Editor’s Web Note: Choosing the right gift for someone is rarely easy. Probably half the gifts we purchase at holidays are discarded, re-gifted, or sit collecting dust. Our annual ‘best gifts’ column is straight from the source each year with everything from the hot tech gifts, top books and board games, and lots of individualized ideas that can trigger inspiration. I shop from it myself. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Will you run your “favorite gifts” column again this year? The grandparents and I have begun relying on it. — Joyce, Auburn, CA

 

DEAR JOYCE: Here are great ideas in all categories. I love Katelyn’s advice to avoid gifts that make children “addicted, lazy, stubborn, and friendless”. It’s insanity to supply a TV or computer to a teen’s bedroom or contribute to their video game collection. And if you can hold off buying a cell phone until high school, you’re my hero.

On another note, kids today tend to love and enjoy their families more than our generation did, so instead of gift cards, consider taking your ‘significant adolescent’ on a shopping date. Get your bonding in while you can!

See our new “favorite books and gifts” tab in the menu bar of this website for links to many of the panel’s selections.

Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

Personal wish: a golden locket to hold a picture of me and my best friend. Top gift ideas: college funds, outdoor equipment, family trips, gift certificates, sponsoring a child, hobby supplies. Avoid indoor things that make your child addicted, lazy, stubborn, and friendless. Worst gifts: school supplies; anything displaying “little kid” logos. Top books: Manga, Sold, Speak, Kite Runner, the Uglies.

Rose 22, Flagstaff, AZ Ask me a question

For someone working her way through college, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, all make great gifts.

Maureen 17, Redding, CA Ask me a question

I’m asking for money contributions for a trip to Europe when I graduate and my mom is taking me to San Francisco for fun and shopping. My Grandpa once took me on a shopping spree and I enjoyed it because I also got to spend time with him. But if you’re at a loss, popular gift cards are: Old Navy, Macy’s, Pac Sun, Buckle, Best Buy, Blockbuster, Borders, restaurants, movie theaters, and iTunes.

Lennon 23, Fair Oaks, CA Ask me a question

Rent money, gas money. Books: Life Inc. and anything by David Foster Wallace.

Graham 16, Fair Oaks, CA Ask me a question

I play guitar so my list has headphones, an effects pedal, and an audio interface for recording.

Geoff 24, Redding, CA Ask me a question

iPhone remains the hot cell phone, but Goggle Android is coming on strong with real buttons rather than in-screen touch, making it much faster for typing. Cameras: Lately, it’s video, video, video. The Flip UltraHD Camcorder is about $200 and uploading to Facebook, Picasa, or U-Tube is effortless. For point-and-shoot, though, stick with Canon or Nikon. Best social tech games: Wii Sports Resort (lots of new games) and Rock Band (which has karaoke). Top board games: Carcassonne, Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan (the big strategy game in college right now). Ultimate family card game: Apples to Apples. Other ideas: Gerber or Leatherman multi-tools, and “car kits” (containing flashlight, flares, multi-tool, first-aid kit, energy bars). Books of the year: Life Inc. and I Will Teach You to be Rich.

Scot 22, San Luis Obispo, CA Ask me a question

Best books: George R. R. Martin, Song of Ice and Fire.

Catherine 22, Amherst, MA Ask me a question

I love etsy.com an online store with variety like Amazon, but focused on crafts, a do-it-yourself ethic, and ability to shop locally. Favorite DVD: Up. Books: Raw: The Uncook Book, How It All Vegan! and Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur.

Katrina 16, Sand Springs, OK Ask me a question

I’m hoping for clothes and cosmetology-related items like hair products and sheers. Desired books: House of Night series.

Vanessa 21, Galt, CA Ask me a question

I find gift cards impersonal and prefer homemade gifts: quilted blankets, knitting, homemade candles, sweets, framed poetry or photos. But who couldn’t use a tank of gas, movie tickets, a meal, or a deposit to their savings? Pointless presents are the worst. Who really wants erasers, figurines, or a fancy alarm clock? For a friend, I bought a card and said dinner was on me. She absolutely loved it and we got to spend time together.

 

Editor’s Web Note: This column is dedicated to all who have ever had a broken heart. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’ve had a crush on “Kaz” since last year. We’re both freshmen. You could say I’m pretty obsessed over him. He’s really sweet, and doesn’t seem to mind that I like hanging around him. We’ve even talked about intimate stuff such as depressing situations in my life, and his family’s divorce. The problem is, the only way we talk is if I start the conversation first — otherwise he won’t notice I’m there. Plus, he doesn’t seem as cheerful as when he is talking to his other friends. Sometimes I wonder if he makes up excuses to cut the conversation off, such as, “I have a massive headache today (he got hit in the head recently),” “I’m not feeling well (he’d been out a couple of days),” “I have homework (books in hand),” or “I need to talk to someone (runs off)”. They sound logical, but the girls in my class tell me to let him go because he’s a jerk to me. What do you think? — Irvine, CA

 
Emily 17, Sacramento, CA Ask me a question

Let him go. Comparing this situation to others I’ve seen, he isn’t interested romantically, he’s just trying to be nice. It is excellent to notice that he becomes less cheerful around you. That alone is a good reason to back off. The thing with obsessions (I’ve been there too), is you don’t notice anybody else and miss out on other great people. At your age you should explore different personalities to see who you click with.

Laura 23, Fair Oaks, CA Ask me a question

Rule of thumb: If you have to ask, he’s not interested. If a guy likes you, you would know. Since he keeps finding excuses to duck out, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to be mean. This may sound counter-intuitive, but your best chance of having something work out in the future is to move on. Obsession is unattractive and ruins things.

Nicole 20, Arcata, CA Ask me a question

Learn that if a guy wants you, he’ll get you. If he doesn’t ask to be with you in the next week, get over it and look elsewhere.

Maureen 17, Redding, CA Ask me a question

Hate to break it to you, but it’s called a crush for a reason and we’ve all been there. But you can enjoy a crush, too. It can be fun to see someone and “fantasize” about him. Just don’t expect anything.

Geoff 24, Redding, CA Ask me a question

At that age, I was pretty immature about communicating feelings to the opposite sex. If that’s him, maybe share your feelings by email or letter, while letting him know that being friends is also cool. But be prepared for an immature reaction.

Diana 16, Stockton, CA Ask me a question

I really liked this upperclassman and we were always hanging out, flirting and laughing. I wanted to see if something was there so I confided my feelings in a letter. Now I really regret doing that versus speaking to him, because had I spoken to him, he would have at least said something to me, instead I got absolutely no response. Now it’s hard even being friends it feels so awkward. In the future, I’d let the guy make the first moves. I put myself in a vulnerable situation and it really hurt.

DEAR IRVINE: Welcome to the club. Moving through unrequited love is part of growing up and bursting the fantasy bubble is your first big step. But Kaz is not being a “jerk”. He’s being extremely kind about saying ‘no thanks’. Don’t fall for dissing him to make yourself feel better.

Tips for moving on completely: cut your hair, clean, travel, rearrange furniture, exercise, meditate, pray, create something, begin a new activity, find a new love interest, consider Shakespeare: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

 

Editor’s Web Note: This generation is “such good friends” with each other that a lot of parents are flummoxed around sleepovers. Between such friends, co-ed sleepovers and same-sex gay/straight sleepovers are commonly allowed, but from the mail I receive, it’s messing with fire (see my response below). I wish parents would enforce a safer space for their teens. If these teens had to wait until they were on their own to share a bed with a friend whose sexual orientation was pointed toward them, their increased maturity would allow them to better regulate themselves. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 16 and have a close friend since elementary school who is gay. “Haley” doesn’t advertise that she’s gay, but she doesn’t keep it a secret either. I treasure her friendship and have no problem with her sexual orientation, plus she has a girlfriend and has no sexual interest in me. The problem is my mom. Mom claims she has “nothing against” gays, however, she no longer allows us to stay the night at each other’s houses. She says she just can’t trust what might happen with us sleeping and undressing together, and is especially concerned for my 13-year-old sister who shares my bedroom. My sister likes Haley very much and has no problem with her staying overnight in our room and undressing in front of her, even though she is aware of the situation. Plus, Haley shares a room with her own younger sister and it’s not a problem. I think my mom is being unfair. How can I make her understand there is nothing to worry about? — Santa Ana, CA

 
Rachel 18, Fair Oaks, CA Ask me a question

I once met a mother who pulled her daughter out of a fashion show right as we were stepping on stage because the show was in support of gay marriage. This woman seriously overreacted to the situation, but it was because of her beliefs and her devotion to her daughter. Your mother may be overreacting, too, but it’s what she needs in order to feel comfortable. You probably won’t change her feelings — and even though you don’t agree with them, you need to respect them.

Maureen 17, Redding, CA Ask me a question

I am straight but my best friend is bisexual and it’s never been an issue. We share a bed and change in front of each other and I never feel uncomfortable. She is my best friend, that’s what best friends do. Honestly, your mom has nothing to worry about. She needs to get over it. Just because your friend is a lesbian doesn’t mean she is a pervert who wants to have sex with every girl she sees.

Heather 19, Ware Shoals, SC Ask me a question

I also have gay and bi friends and your mom is overreacting. I would suggest sitting her down and assuring her that nothing is going to happen. Ask her to give it a chance and not be so quick to judge. My dad doesn’t have a problem with my gay and bi friends staying over.

Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

As long as you live in your mom’s house, it’s her rules, whether you like it or not. Frankly, I think she’s scared that you and your friend might do something unintended in the “heat of the moment”. I know you think it’s unfair, but when you move out, you can do things your way.

DEAR SANTA ANA: We get a lot of mail on this topic and your mother is not being anti-gay. She is simply banning gay girlfriends from sleeping in your bedroom for the same reason she bans boys from sleeping there. Stuff can happen and it won’t be under her watch.

From what I know about the fluidity of female sexuality, while some straight females would be totally stable undressing and sleeping with a gay female friend, others would not be.

A large category of “distress mail” we receive is from teens who find themselves unintentionally aroused or involved sexually with those they share sleeping quarters with — I’m talking everything from brothers and sisters sharing a room, to non-gay stepsisters sharing a bed. I know you feel that this wouldn’t happen to you, but at this point in life, your mom makes the rules and it’s her job to err on the side of caution. She’s got your best interests at heart.

 

Editor’s Web Note: What I learned from this column is that obscene language is so prevalent in society and media that most young people “slip up” pretty regularly with obscenities, even those raised in disapproving households. What seems to happen is that as kids hit the teen years, parents relax their vigilance and drop their own good example. But, today, a teen who can control his or her language and not slip up is at a huge advantage over the multitudes that can’t. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My mom is very strict about obscenities and I have become close friends with “Joanne” who uses them in her normal speech — including the F-word. Such language is common in her family, in fact, her parents are worse than she is. Joanne recently spent the night and not only did my mom hear her talking, but my little sister, who I share a room with, got an earful. After Joanne left, my mom said she will not tolerate such “filth” in our home, especially as Joanne thought nothing of exposing my sister. Joanne is a very caring person. Her speech is the result of her upbringing. I think it’s unfair to ban her from our house when we are close friends. I would ask her not to talk this way at our house, but she will likely slip up. What can I do? —Susie, Rocklin, CA

 
Nicole 20, Arcata, CA Ask me a question

I was raised where saying “poop” cost me soap in my mouth. Despite this, I ended up with quite the foul tongue. Yet I would never swear in front of an elder or a child. Your mother is right.

Julian 17, Auburn, CA Ask me a question

These are the house rules, so, Joanne has to watch her mouth. For me, swearing is not a regular part of speech. Still, things slip out. But when I’m around friends’ little siblings, I automatically begin monitoring myself.

Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

I can totally see why your mom doesn’t want Joanne around. Cuss words are filth, not simple adjectives. They are used to imply great demeaning. Even if it is “common” to her household, please ask her not to use those words. People think you have problems when you cuss, even if you are the most caring person around. Maybe if your mom gets to know her better and Joanne respects her rules, there will be future invitations to your house.

Scot 22, San Luis Obispo, CA Ask me a question

Rarely can anything else provide the emphasis of a good S or F when you need it. However, most of the time, swearing just makes you seem young and ignorant. Certainly if you make it a habit, you will slip up. My recommendation is to ask Joanne to completely refrain at your house, then tell your mom she agrees to be on best behavior.

Ashley 22, Auburn, CA Ask me a question

Words are just words. I cuss pretty regularly and wish I didn’t because I slip up, too, sometimes even at work. My parents hardly ever swore around me when I was young and they didn’t allow it in the house until I got older. But I think it is ridiculous to be so intolerant. Second chances are in order.

Brie 18, Ashland, OR Ask me a question

I don’t think your mother should ban Joanne. Talk to her about not judging someone for how they speak. So many teens use vulgar language, it is infectious. Even I slip up occasionally. Maybe implement a swear jar, where if you swear, you pay the jar.

DEAR SUSIE: You have some company in thinking Joanne should have special “slipping-up” privileges because of her handicap. But I assure you the rest of life won’t provide this kind of slack. More importantly (as most of the panel agrees), this is your mom’s home and she makes the rules. Is she being judgmental? Maybe. But I think she’s just got some good rules. I wish more parents would counter the “infection” of obscene language.

Joanne’s best bet is to write her an apology letter (key features: own the blame, show remorse, thank for the enlightenment, vow to change). Next, she offers to meet with your mom to demonstrate her reform. I would applaud your mother for accepting this offer and providing Joanne another chance. Everyone can learn.

 

Editor’s Web Note: This is an area where guidance is needed and the panel delivers! For those who’ve never heard of a camel toe, look no farther than Wikipedia: “Cameltoe is a slang term that refers to the outline of the labia majora seen through tight clothes.” — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m new at my high school and have fallen in with a popular crowd, so that’s good. The problem is Halloween. I’m in shock over some of the outfits my girlfriends are planning to wear to our dance. I mean, it’s normal to dress slutty for Halloween, but even I feel uncomfortable with a camel toe. Am I being a prude? I want to fit in but I don’t want to be considered a real slut, if you know what I mean. Where does your panel draw the line between ‘fun’ slutty versus ‘too’ slutty on Halloween? — Fashion horrors

 
Maureen 17, Redding, CA Ask me a question

Slutty? Camel toes are simply bad taste! I don’t dress slutty for Halloween, but some people find it the perfect occasion for the excuse. Bottom line: don’t wear anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Tell your friends your mom won’t allow it

Jessie 17, Ashland, OR Ask me a question

A camel toe is never a good look on anybody, so draw the line right there. Nowadays you can stand out by NOT dressing slutty.

Farren 22, Redding, CA Ask me a question

Camel toes? Camel toes aren’t slutty, they’re unattractive — even to guys! Girls get made fun of for that!

Ashley 22, Auburn, CA Ask me a question

Halloween has become an excuse for girls to dress slutty, but that doesn’t mean you’re forced into it. Basic rule: no body parts hanging out of clothing, nothing protruding or showing through.

Brie 18, Ashland, OR Ask me a question

I love dressing up for Halloween but it is hard to discern what is appropriate. Use this guide: if you would be embarrassed to be seen by your parents, their friends, or a store clerk, it’s too slutty.

Lara 19, Moraga, CA Ask me a question

Showing off your body and dressing slutty is totally okay on Halloween, but drawing the line where you’re uncomfortable isn’t being a prude, it’s called respecting yourself! Even if you wear more clothes than your friends, if you act confident you will get attention, no worries!

Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

I hate it when people dress slutty for Halloween. One, they could send the wrong message and be raped, and two, AREN’T THEY COLD?! The line between “fashionable” slutty versus “icky” slutty is when clothes are skintight, you can see down a girl’s shirt when she bends over, or she’s wearing 2-inch inseam shorts or skirts with high heels. Me, I’m wearing a full suit of armor that covers every part of my body.

Vanessa 21, Galt, CA Ask me a question

There are boundaries for everything. Yes, Halloween gives girls freedom to dress as they normally wouldn’t and they probably won’t get a reputation for this one night, but I would never objectify myself in ways that make me uncomfortable, nor should you. If you’d rather stay covered up a little, compensate by doing your hair, makeup and accessories more wildly than normal.

Akasha 15, Gold River, CA Ask me a question

A camel toe may work for celebrities, but even there it’s considered disgusting, slutty, and something to laugh at. To know what’s sexy, but not slutty, look in clothing catalogues like Alloy or Victoria’s Secret.

Scot 22, San Luis Obispo, CA Ask me a question

Halloween is a time to dress up and be something you’re not. It’s exciting to be scary, weird, or taboo — which these days, means slutty. But just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean your outfit won’t reflect on you or that people won’t remember it.

DEAR FASHION HORRORS: Did we answer your question? Britney Spears and Paris Hilton may be adding to their fortunes by parading slutty looks, but unless you are currently a hotel-chain heiress, or are touring for your new CD, a camel toe (and other inappropriate “revelations”) will only give you one thing: a bad reputation. Yes, even on Halloween.

 

Editor’s Web Note: Alcohol is often used to “find out who someone really is”. But is the evil it can lay bare someone’s ‘true’ psychological nature, or is it born of the alcohol? Any insights? Please write us. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m a 16-year-old girl and my brother is 13. Our alcoholic stepfather gets drunk every night and becomes verbally abusive toward all of us, especially my brother. He screams and yells at him, constantly putting him down and calling him “sissy” and “faggot.” He does not physically abuse him, so we can’t report him for abuse, but the verbal abuse hurts my brother horribly and he has absolutely no self-confidence. Our mother is submissive and dependant on our stepfather, so she won’t leave him. We stay in our room as much as possible when he is drunk, but we can’t totally avoid him, and he is all over my brother every night at dinner. It’s scary what this is doing to my brother. Please help. — Roseville, CA

 
Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

You CAN report him for abuse. Verbal abuse is a form of domestic abuse. Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline at 1-800-799-SAFE or go to their website, www.ndvh.org. You can also tell a counselor or trusted adult. The more support, the better.

Scot 22, San Luis Obispo, CA Ask me a question

Tell your brother how much you care and support him. Explain how pathetic and small it is for someone to need to get drunk every night and pick on others, and how big he is to deal with it. Give your mom a wake-up call about how intolerable the situation has become. She may be dependent on your stepfather, but maybe she has cards she can play after all. Build a strong relationship with your brother before you finish high school and move out. Maybe start an evening study group to get him out of the house more.

Jessie 17, Ashland, OR Ask me a question

Verbal abuse is still abuse and needs to be reported, whether to a school counselor or the police. Your mom needs to take responsibility for this, but if she won’t/can’t do anything, bring somebody else in. Is your father in the picture? Maybe it’s time to live with him.

Rachel 18, Fair Oaks, CA Ask me a question

I’ve seen verbal abuse first-hand and it can be just as harmful as physical abuse. Go to the police or child protective services. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse — and can cause your brother to act out violently as he gets older.

Vanessa 21 , Galt, CA Ask me a question

I was the middle child and only girl and my father was physically abusive to my brothers and my mom. He would pack his bags pretending to leave us on a regular basis knowing we couldn’t make it without his support. Somehow, in our teen years, we stopped fearing him and did as we pleased in order to stay safe. Eventually, we each moved out, my youngest brother at the age of 19. In June, he killed himself in his apartment. His notes blamed my parents — who remain in complete denial that they ever hit us or said anything but ‘loving phrases’. Even as I love them, I will never forgive them. I just wish I could’ve known what all that hate could drive a person to do.

Because of the alcohol, I know if your brother stuck up for himself, the abuse would turn physical. But that doesn’t mean you lay down and take it. You need to tell a counselor or call the cops. Anybody could be calling about the noise, just ask that your identity be confidential. There is no other escape from this. Please get help.

DEAR ROSEVILLE: When you’re not in the fishbowl, it’s easy to see clearly, that’s why almost everyone, including me, advises you to report the abuse. All the choices: counselor, police, child protective services (in your county directory), National Domestic Violence Hotline, will keep confidentiality. Your courage is needed. As you see, your brother’s life can depend on it.

 

Editor’s Web Note: WHAT are some parents THINKING? Sexuality is more confusing than ever without having a hot nude mother walking around. If you’re not familiar with the term “milf” you need to read this column more often. Or check the urban dictionary. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 16 and have a 13-year-old brother. Our mom thinks the human body is “nothing to be ashamed of” and walks around the house nude or in bra and panties regularly. It wasn’t a big deal when I was younger, but she’s 38 and keeps her body in very good shape, and I’m ashamed to admit that I sometimes feel stimulated. I’ve asked her nicely to stop, saying it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to explain why. Also, our bedroom doesn’t have a lock and she always walks in without knocking, even when we’re naked and getting dressed. She says she isn’t interested in our bodies, that she changed our diapers a million times, however, she isn’t blind and can’t help seeing us. Don’t you think her nudity is wrong at our ages? And shouldn’t we be entitled to privacy in our room when we’re undressing? — Embarrassed in Folsom

 
Katelyn 14, Huntington Beach, CA Ask me a question

Yes and yes. My mom hates accidentally walking in on me half-naked — and I’m a girl! Be firm with her, or bring in support from others. Apparently nice didn’t work.

Mariah 17, Sand Springs, OK Ask me a question

Bottom line: if it makes you uncomfortable, she needs to stop.

Brie 18, Ashland, OR Ask me a question

There is no way I would feel comfortable with my father walking around nude. It is definitely not acceptable — especially since you informed her that it makes you uncomfortable! Since your vague explanation didn’t work, either be more precise, or be adamant that her behavior is NOT okay.

Vanessa 21, Galt, CA Ask me a question

There is a time called puberty — when changing, showering, and using the restroom become private. When I was a teenage girl, my father would walk in my room without knocking, too, and I’m pretty sure that could be considered domestic sexual abuse. I bought a lock for my door and explained that unless barging in on me was an act he wished returned, it should no longer happen.

Jack 18, San Luis Obispo, CA Ask me a question

I would feel completely uncomfortable in your position. I would talk to your dad about it, or give her this column.

Jessie 17 , Ashland, OR Ask me a question

This has to stop! Unless you belong to a cult, age 16 is way beyond the point where family nudity is appropriate. You need to bring in an adult who can help. If your father is in the picture, have him talk to her — or, if possible, go live with him for awhile. As for your bedroom, buy your own lock.

Nicole 19, Arcata, CA Ask me a question

Yes, you should have privacy in your room, but I see nothing wrong with your mother being comfortable in her own home. Also, it is common for young men to sometimes be attracted to their mothers.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: If family nudity involves zero tension and zero agenda, yes, there is nothing wrong with it. However, if the nudity makes you uncomfortable, and that discomfort has been communicated, then it is wrong if a parent doesn’t stop or tone it way down. Frankly, I have to wonder about the obliviousness (or warped psychological need) of a parent who doesn’t.

Are young men sometimes attracted to their mothers? Sure, but once puberty hits, it’s one of the most mortifying feelings a young man can have — as you well know! Parents need to adjust household routines during puberty so sons don’t fixate their emerging sexuality onto their mothers (the same applies for girls and fathers). Since your mother, for whatever reason, isn’t making those adjustments, YOU must.

Your instincts are flawless. Yes, you deserve privacy, yes, her nudity is inappropriate. I support all the methods of change suggested by the panel. Make them happen. Start with absolute refusal to speak or look at her unless she is fully dressed.

 
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